Is it anger you are really feeling? How High EQ Leaders label their emotions

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One way you can grow your EQ as a leader is to name your emotions beyond your primary emotions. For example, "I am angry..." may be true for you. You are angry. But what is underneath the anger? Anger is a SECONDARY emotion and the result of some deeper emotion/feeling/thinking activity.

Do you feel sad? insulted? embarrassed? humiliated? Do you feel like you are out of control? Powerless?

The next time you feel angry, step away from the feeling and look at it the way you would look at an object. Make that feeling three dimensional by asking yourself what is generating this feeling of anger? Get curious about your feeling. 
1. Where is this coming from? Is this about the person or the situation?
2. Do I have some underlying assumptions about this that is effecting how I think/feel?
3. Do I have past trauma that is getting triggered by this situation?
4. Am I in a state of stress and anxiety and that is driving this response?
5. How can I label what I am feeling for another person so that they better understand my point of view?
6. Does this feeling serve me and my relationship or does it do damage?
7. How would I like to use this emotion?

Then use language to describe what you see.

"I feel angry because my expectations and your expectations are different and I don't like the way that feels. I thought we were on the same page and we aren't. When that happens I feel like I have been deceived, even if I haven't been--it is what I am feeling. I don't like to feel that way and it leads me to feel angry that you didn't meet my expectations..."

Can you imagine what the world would be like if we would just go one layer deeper under our primary emotions and name the REAL emotions instead of going straight to the primary emotion--in this case anger? I think the world would be a better place.

If you aren't sure how to do this, let's talk. Our "Empowering Emotionally Intelligent Leaders" workshop is the place to start.

What is your go to strategy for labeling and talking about your emotions?

#leadership #communication #EQ #emotions #motivation #coaching#inspiration #planbe #wypbe